Thursday, September 13, 2007

Had a bad day....

No word yet as to the biopsy results. We knew that it would most likely be late in the week before we heard anything, but we are both a little anxious.

Maybe it’s my Catholic schooling and I still have the embedded need to confess. Maybe I’m just someone who needs to be heard. Either way I wanted to share something that I hope might help others going through difficult times

I have been going through a really confusing time, lately, thinking about the unfairness of Dave having to go through all of this. Ok, the unfairness of me having to go through all of this, too. If you have known me a while, you know that I am essentially a good person. Not without many, many character flaws...but a pretty good person. Sometimes, boringly so.

Well, I sat here the other day and just got really mad at God. Like, “Hey God…I’ve been faithful and righteous and all that stuff. I’ve helped the poor, and I’ve told people about you, and I go to church and I read the Bible, and I try to live my life as an example of Christ’s love. So…why? Why have you turned your back on Dave, and in turn made my life so hard?....” It went on, but just know it never got any deeper than “woe is me.”

What a whiney brat, huh? Well, I was. I was acting the exact way a teenager acts when they get mad at their mom or dad. I was acting like a little, spoiled brat, and what’s worse is I knew it! But I kept going, anyway.

The thoughts ran wild. Like, I never did drugs or fooled around or stole anything. Now, admittedly, I labeled these things, in my mind, as “fun stuff”. Poor Lisa never had an ounce of “fun”. God is punishing ME and Dave…and yet I (“we” but mostly “I”) don’t deserve it. (Appalling behavior, isn’t it?)

The rest of the day pretty much sucked. Then I had lunch with my mom. She listened to my rants, and held my hand, and didn’t judge me. Thank God for our moms! She also said something that I remember her saying when I was little. She said, “No matter how hard things are in our life, there is always someone, somewhere going through even harder times.” Then it hit me. She was right. I have a friend who is a caretaker to her mom, as she goes through breast cancer treatments. Going through the chemo and losing her long, beautiful hair. Not even knowing IF at the end of all the treatments her mom will pull through. We have a friend who just lost a loved one through suicide. The utter despair that he must be going through. It makes our little problems pale in comparison.

After I sincerely asked for forgiveness, I emphatically thanked God for all His blessings. That through this entire ordeal, Dave is improving. He has the real opportunity to remedy his health problems through a kidney transplant. He CAN go to dialysis, and then live a mostly normal life until the transplant. He isn’t dying! We are praying that the biopsy confirms his remission. But all the doctors seem sure of that. He has no lung or heart involvement…that’s such a blessing. As for me…I have my health. I have the love of a wonderful husband and two beautiful kids. I am truly blessed. I’m tired….no doubt, but I am blessed!

The very next day I received a beautiful card from a friend of a friend of a friend. Someone, from across the country, who has been praying for Dave and our entire family. Her words were so thoughtful and encouraging. She said that God has NOT left our side. He is here with us. She said that our emails have encouraged her and strengthened her faith. She said that our testimony, when all of this is over, will be what God uses to bring others closer to Him.

What amazes me is that God knew that I was going to have this meltdown, and then knew the timing of her letter would be perfect! How awesome is that? That letter was like a “burning bush”….a validation that God is God…He loves me inspite of myself, and knows that I needed encouragement at that very moment in time.

I guess part of that testimony my new friend wrote about has to include the hard days; when we are angry with God, and then are allowed to see with new eyes, how very much He has blessed us. I guess that’s why God doesn’t just smack me down (which I totally deserved) when I start acting like a spoiled brat. It’s all part of growing in Christ. And growing is painful sometimes.

Thank you, my friends, for letting me share a very bad day with you. It turned out Ok. I grew in the knowledge, once again, that God IS here. He DOES listen. That He loves me inspite of my foolish behavior, and is here to comfort me when I come back to my senses!

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